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This is basically a continuation of the first Pre-lecture, with an emphasis on dialogue.
Credit (except where noted): Paula Sharp

Common Stylistic Errors in Fiction-Writing

1. Avoid excessive, minute details that add nothing to the drama such as "he turned" "he looked up" "he stood,"

Incorrect: Pony stood, turned, and let his gaze fall on his pack. He then removed a small cushion from his svelte, neo-functional daypack, put it on the ground, and lowering his body, sat on it.

Correct: Pony removed a small cushion from his svelte, neo-functional day pack, and sat on it. (Chris Lake)

2. Avoid beginning descriptions of actions with "she saw," "he watched," "he heard," etc. Such phrases tend to dilute the action by removing the reader one step from the drama.

Incorrect: He heard his father running up the stairs.
Correct: His father ran up the stairs.

Incorrect: She saw Lester take a gun out of his pocket as he entered the room.
Correct: Lester took a gun out of his pocket as he entered the room.

Generally, the reader will know that a given act can be heard or seen by a character because the character is in the same room, house, etc in which the action occurs.

Use lead-ins phrases such as "she saw" "she heard" only when necessary -- as when you wish to convey the action through a particular perspective.

Correct: When Lester entered the room, the other men continued talking and did not notice him. Glady, however, saw Lester conceal a gun under his jacket as he opened the door.

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3. DIALOGUE

a. Avoid inserting phrases such as "she said" or "he answered" after a series of sentences.

Incorrect: "I did not steal your ideas from your term paper. I know which one you're talking about -- it's the paper you pilfered from our last roommate, the one she took from the backpack of that student who was expelled for plagiarism. I bought my paper with my own money through the Internet," she said.

Correct: "I did not steal your ideas from your term paper," she said. "I know which one you're talking about -- it's the paper you pilfered from our last roommate, the one she took from the backpack of that student who was expelled for plagiarism. I bought my paper with my own money through the Internet."

b. Avoid overuse of "he said," "she answered", etc

Incorrect:
"Foul?" Marshall asked. "How could you call that a foul? I was standing right over here," he added. "That was not a foul, John."
John answered, "That was a foul and I saw it, Marshall. The ball bounced outside of the line, right before you made that shot, he continued.

Correct: (David Tsang)
"How could you call that a foul? I was standing right over here. That was not a foul, John."
"That was a foul and I saw it, Marshall. The ball bounced outside of the line, right before you made the shot."

EKUBLAI'S NOTE: In case you're confused about the difference between 3a and 3b: 3a is telling you to avoid long stretches of dialogue that end with the identification of the speaker. the identity of the speaker should be clear by the first couple of sentences. 3b is warning against overusing such phrases since the ID of the speaker is already known, you should only use multiple phrases like these as rhythmic devices or for other very specific reasons.

c. Use correct punctuation in dialogue When in doubt, pick up a book. The internet is also a good resource if you know the exact circumstance. Here are examples of correct punctuation.

1. Generally, follow a line of dialogue with a comma and then a quotation mark, and then with "he said".

"I had the oddest dream," Phillip said.
"Phillip, your dreams are stupid, you're stupid, and I don't care," Edgar said happily.

2. Exclamation points and question marks in mid-sentence:

"Do you know where he buried the body?" the officer asked.
"Of course I know where the body's buried!" she said.

EKUBLAI'S NOTE: I don't really see the point of this one. Seems kind of obvious.

3. Two sentences joined by a "he said":

"Out plan is flawless," he said. "Tomorrow, we're going to carry out the biggest heist in the history of banking."

4. A sentence and incomplete sentence jooined by a "he said":

"Harold," he said, "you left your false teeth and the money in the bank vault."

5. Where dialogue is followed by a brief comment on the speaker, do not use a comma to join the dialogue to the narrative:

Incorrect: "Bartholomew, calm down," Harold snorted. "I did not leave the cash in the bank vault. I shrank the money down so that it would fit onto a microchip, and once we get home, I will stretch the bills back to their original size."

Correct: "Bartholomew, calm down." Harold snorted. "I did not leave the cash in the bank vault. I shrank the money down so that it would fit onto a microchip, and once we get home, I will stretch the bills back to their original size."

EKUBLAI'S NOTE: Some people do not like that I do this in my critiques, but I maintain that a good rule of thumb is: If the action is a speaking action, use a comma. For instance, here, it is either silly or impossible to have Harold "snort" the dialogue. It conjures up the snorting of an entire sentence, which is ridiculous.

d. Commingle narrative with dialogue where appropriate:

Generally, when dialogue follows a long narrative passage, you should begin a new paragraph with the dialogue. Narrative following the dialogue also should start with a new paragraph:

All night Buster heard a strange whirring noise outside the house; he thought the sprinklers were malfunctioning. The noise entered his nightmares. He first dreamed that his third-grade math teacher had sprouted white wings striped with faint blue lines like those on notebook paper, and that she hovered over his desk in the back row, threatening to land on him. This dream evaporated into darkness, and then the long rotating blade of a giant lawnmower emerged from the gloom and cut a jagged path in the black sky. Later, he found himself immersed in the thick, asphalt-like water of a large bathtub. A mountainous shape arose before him from the bathtub's drain. The drain glowed red and its dark hole extended like the mouth of a volcano as he peered down, falling headlong into a foul-smelling passageway. Ahead of him, a millino tiny letters swarmed; the letter assembled themselves and formed the unintelligible word: snat! He awoke in a cold sweat.

"Buster?" his wife asked. "Were you having a bad dream? It's time to get up. You're late for work.:

Buster arose unsteadily on his feet, this morning's hangover swaying in his head like an anvil in a hammock. He opened the curtains: outside, giant mutant ants swarmed over his suburban neighborhood.

Nevertheless, do not make the mistake of separating all dialogue from non-dialogue. Keep dialogue together with narrative descriptions of the character who utters the dialogue. For example:

"I've done everything I can to solve the problem," Officer Tikalski said, shuffling a stack of complaint forms. "I've talked to my supervising officer, and neither of us really knows much about fighting off giant ants." Tikalski removed a small, rectangular mirror from his desk and smiled into it; his smile faded as he deposited the mirror back into its drawer. "Now, you tell me what you can do to solve my problems."

Buster rolled a cigarette on his knee. He flicked a stray flake of tobacco onto the floor, lit his cigarette, and leaned back in his chair, letting the smoke curl around him like a lady's silk nightgown. "It seems to me," he said finally, "that if you boys don't go out there and kill those mutant ants, they'll probably find their way in here and kill you."

And... that's it! Thanks for... uh... tuning in? Anyway, I realize I'm behind. I will try to get up the plot lecture as soon as I can tolerate.

Again, credit to the notes: Paula Sharp.

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